Wasted, lying in the morning dew on the tips of the plowed
over grass outside the bar, my hair was tangled with twigs and spurs and I was
just so tired. Red and blue lights flash
all around but no one comes to arrest me.
Instead I feel massive arms slide under me, hoist me up, and then all is
black.
I make a microwaveable dinner after what feels like the
longest day each day and just want to sit and enjoy myself for a second. I flip on one of my favorites and even after I’ve
finished eating, I swear to myself just one and then I’ll do my schoolwork. And study for that test. Then one by one, I’m watching continuously,
endlessly putting off my responsibilities.
I awake missing my first two classes the next afternoon, the TV still
on.
It’s Friday. All I want
to do is drink, let loose, and have fun after the week I’ve had. Somehow, I think I deserve it. First is happy hour followed by some sort of
bar. I tell myself I’ll at least clean
my house the next day. But nope it’s
either a pool day or game day and then let’s be real; another bar. Sunday is recovery day. All I want to do is sleep. I finally pull myself out of bed and begin
working on things absentmindedly, only to give up a few hours later and pass
out. Again.
Last year. Somehow I've changed for the better, but life is still overwhelming, probably paying me back for the time I've wasted. I want to do everything, and I do yet I'm
forced to fit at least three semesters worth of work into two; no second
chances. Twenty credit
hours, NROTC, and my internship? Am I setting
myself up for failure? I have to do what’s
expected: graduate and get my commission in the Spring. It’s possible; but I feel
myself falling every day. Always on time for the extra, but never on time for classes. I forgot about a French quiz today, but worked those freshman to the bone. Always forgetting something, my organization-as soon as I feel I have a handle-goes out the window. And I refuse to miss the major parts of college outside of school. There's no way in hell I would've missed the Clemson game or any game for that matter and you can bet I'll play on your intramural sports team. It's my fault; I look
back and kick myself. Always making an
excuse to take the minimum because of Calculus.
Deciding what to do with the rest of my life at the last possible
second. So many requirements for my
major, none of which overlap with NROTC.
In this continuous cycle of always being behind. I’m rushing.
Rushing myself to fail.
But then I think, I must not have messed up too badly; I’ve
made it to my senior year. Would I really
want to look back on college and missed all those classic experiences? True, much of them I felt stupid and
compelled to apologize the next day. But
some were the best times I've had because I made my true friends through our silliness and
need to break away from school for a second.
I would never want to look back on my experience and think of all the
fun I didn’t have. It’s only four short
years. Four short years to be immature
and make mistakes before the real world has a chance to chew you up and
potentially spit you out. Last year. I'll make it.
